4/18/2022
Sometimes it's really difficult to say
"I am who I am."
Being shoved so far down deep in the closet will really do that to ya
Being gaslit your whole life will do that too
I remember when I was a teen I saw a video about non-binary people.
For once I felt seen, I felt valid.
But the hate that video got broke my heart. It terrified me.
Seeing how so many people despised
Souls just being themselves
Made me cry
I couldn't comprehend it
And now many years later
Non-binary people are everywhere
And I'm still terrified
When I cut my hair there was a brief moment where I felt someone would come out of nowhere and attack me
Because they would know my secret
They would see me wearing it
It was an irrational fear, I know
But that fear was rooted in how I was lead to believe the world was
There was never a point where it felt safe to be truthful
I just couldn't take being a liar anymore
I always admired those who were
Proud in public
It made my heart sing in silent thanks
For doing what I could not
But the vision of the people I wanted to be
Always left me feeling so alone
Left me feeling trapped in an invisible prison
There is a kind of freedom I strive for now
That I know will take some time to reach
In my mind I feel I'm comfortable with who I am, inside and out
But as soon as I come face to face with another soul I begin to doubt
My very existence
I feel split between the person I am
And the person I pretended to be for so long
I'm not always sure how to be comfortable
Genuine, and truthful
The habit of performing pains me
I feel how empty I am and I don't know how to begin letting people in
Having walls around my heart is too cliché
It's more like a death trap
Spikes and hidden arrows
Pitfalls and illusory obstacles
Hedge mazes and miry monsters
I am just as confused about it as anyone else
Maybe even more so because I have to live here
Wandering and doing my best not to hurt myself
More than I already have
Whatever bond I shared with humanity
Broken like a weak ankle
But I'm still trying to run
And I'm still trying to fix it
I still want to be free