MEMORIA MACHINA

I was reminded of a heartbreak
from a ████ that was never realized

A sudden understanding of my feelings towards ███████████ during my youth

I remember the moment you broke my heart

I █████ you
That was true

In some abstract way, I knew it then
And I know it clearly now

For years I'd forgotten about it

When I offered to marry you
You probably thought I was joking

I said if we'd grown old ██████████████
I'd take you as my wife

We made plans of living together
We spoke █████████████████████ of our future children

I was ████████ with you
But I don't think you ever took what I said seriously

One time in front of your family you said
"I wish I had a boyfriend just like you."

I knew you were just saying things
But I don't think those words ever left my heart

From then on I think I treated you
As if you were mine

"███████████████"
Were the parting words of our childhood

You were ███ at my ██th birthday party
███████████ you didn't remember it

You were with me on my ██th birthday
And you met my first girlfriend

I sat in between the two of you while we watched a movie
And I thought life couldn't get any better
Being next to the two people I █████ most in the world

I made you ███████ with my heart
████████████████████████

We kept ████████ when we were together
I still have it, locked away somewhere

I have a recording of your voice
Of you and I laughing and playing the piano

Singing "Can't help falling in ████ with you"
Back in the days when things were easy

I remember my heart ████████████ as soon as I left your company

For years I ███████████████████████████████████

█████ boys ███████████████████████████████ You and your other friends obsessed over them.

I was ████████████ home.
But some how sitting in your room on your bed, watching you do your makeup, I felt out of place.
I wasn't █████████.
I was masquerading as a girl, ███████████ I shouldn't be allowed to watch you dress.

In the later years I █████████████ because of my own hell of insecurities.

I couldn't touch you like your other friends did because I thought I'd be crossing some invisible line that should never be crossed.

We told ourselves we were ███████, and I held true to it.
But there was another part of me that hated that label on our friendship.

To me it was more like a curse.
An oath I swore I would never break.

But neither of us would ever admit that we had already trampled over that line.

████████ we'd █████
More than once

But it was a bicurious game we played
Only because of ███████████████
Who always seemed to want to practice kissing
Every chance she got.

We felt each other's ███████
Because it was a game

There was no thought █████████████ involved
We did it on a dare

It was funny to you at the time
But it made me wildly uncomfortable

█████████ I was the one that turned out queer.

I knew I ████████ in a way you'd never ████ me.
That one night you gave me wine and my hand strayed while we were meant to be sleeping.
You brought it up the next morning as if it'd been an accident.
I didn't speak a word.
Of how my heart pounded in a strange nervous obsession in the dark
Or that I'd ████████████████████████ on purpose.

To wake up next to you had always been one of my secret joys.
Despite most nights me being too nervous to fall asleep by you easily.

But one chilly night you lent me your ███████ sweatshirt.
It smelled of you and I don't think I'd ever slept so well.
I'd never felt so safe or so ███████.
Like I'd fallen asleep in your arms.

Recently I bought one just like it
Because I knew you loved to wear ███████

But back in those days my heart was compromised
My trauma and insecurities had twisted me into a barely functional shell of a human
You overheard me crying █████████████████████
I'd been triggered the day we were ████████
I thought you'd been asleep

I hadn't realized
I'd become emotionally dependent on you
You were my world
You were my joy
I'd do anything for you
But you'd never ███████ in the way I needed
And I desperately needed a change

I was expecting to see you for ████████ just like every year
But I'd gotten sick and didn't see you
████████████ months
████████████ years
And I suppose by chance I fell out of your life

I never intended to slip away for so long
But in your absence I changed

I became someone else entirely
I'd had an epiphany of self actualization

I grew up
I got better
I lived

In my absence you finally got a boyfriend
Which shouldn't have surprised me, knowing how lovely you are

I couldn't help but feel I'd been replaced
██████ it was a good thing

I'm █████ certain it's a good thing.

I'd ended up giving away the ████████████████████. They'd sat in my room for too long. Reminding me of the ███████████.

Each year I tried to one up myself.
Each time it got more exhausting.

Part of me wonders if you ever even appreciated those █████.
I always wondered if you preferred ██████████████████████.

████████████████████████████ when we were friends.

██████████████████████████████████████.
On little dates out to the store or for ice cream.

But you never knew that.
I wasn't █████████████████████████████.

I wasn't the kind of person that knew how to talk about my weaknesses.

Even to this day, I still have this fear that I'm not good enough for you.

You were always so generous
In ways I could never hope to repay.

And I gave you everything I had to give.
For no other reason than I █████ you.




I ████ you.

But I fear our lives have strayed too far from each other.

I fear if I see you again I'll be reminded of my obsessive devotion to you.
Just like when I saw you last.

████ I no longer have a place in your life.
I fear too much has changed.

I don't even know where you live anymore.
I don't even know if you'd see me as the same person.

I'm afraid of the fact that I'm now fully aware ███████████████ love ███.

And that when we were friends I'd hardly realized the extent of it.

Sometimes I wonder if some ████████ are best left in the past.

And then other times I wonder if I'll live to regret not keeping all the ones I've left behind.

I hope someday I'll get over the fear of the people I leave behind

Because I still ████ you

And I think I always will